第 29 题

1Not too long ago, on a cold winter night, there was a teenager who wanted more screen time and a parent who said no. The teenager was advocating for her right to scroll (翻屏) for an extra 30 minutes. The parent argued that none of her friends’ parents let them have screens after 9 o’clock. “I thought, in this family, we don’t compare ourselves with other people, Dad?” the teenager replied. The parent — who was me, by the way — just got served. Since they were young, I have told my kids not to compare themselves with other people. I have argued countless times that comparisons are the “thief of joy”.

2Although my daughter didn’t win, she did help expose one of the worst pieces of advice I have ever given. In my defence, I did what we’ve all done before, which is repeat received wisdom without exploring the nuances. But now is the time to set the record straight, which starts with questioning the idea that all social comparison is unhealthy.

3Social comparisons do, of course, often get us into emotional trouble. But they can be harnessed (利用) for our betterment if we understand how they work. The social comparisons we make — ones that lead us to feel good or bad about ourselves — are vital to our ability to thrive (成长). Science provides a guide we can use to harness the way we perform these comparisons to reduce their negative emotional impacts.

4Comparing yourself with someone who is outperforming you could result in feelings of envy if you focus on the things they have and you don’t, or it can be energizing and inspiring if you use these comparisons as a source of motivation, for example, “If they can achieve that, so can I.” Comparing yourself with someone who is doing worse than you could result in fear and worry if you think about how you could fall into similar circumstances, or it can draw out feelings of gratitude and appreciation if you use that comparison to broaden your views — for example, “Wow, things could be much worse; I’m doing great.”

5What I wish I taught my daughter earlier are these nuances. How we feel about ourselves rests not just on whom we compare ourselves with but also on how we think about that comparison. That’s something we all have control over.